purple elephant

today’s different though, woke up in such a bad mood, even after she tried calming me down i didn’t feel like going to work, but i must fight this laziness within me… as i drove down from oblivion, i saw a few big “birds” and that made me smile.

I’m going to KK this Christmas, and not sure if i’m coming back before or after new year… if it was up to me, i dun wanna come back.. i miss the beach.. its the only thing that will cheer me up… i miss the sea…

the best things of next year is Sarawak… she’s bringing me to Sarawak for holiday in January and my tazy’s coming back in February… i can’t wait…

for your sake Papa, i’m writing his name somewhere in here… Anwar Ibrahim is gonna be around.. hehe.. i have no political views… like my dad always say its the government themselves who lost the people, it has nothing to do with anyone else… we’ve become fickle minded when it comes to the government, its corrupted to a point that it cannot cover it’s own messy shit.. and when they do, its so obvious… we’re not the same mindless followers as we used to be…

Ouh well, i’m eating bihun and stuffing my face with leftover karipap that everyone doesn’t want… No point in wasting…

I miss u papa… truly, can’t wait for u to pick me up…

i mean his wife, Liza is, but who cares.. they’re both pregnant and i’m gonna be an aunt… Auntie Lala… i can’t wait!!! 24/04/2008, whoever u will be may Allah bless you and enrich your awaiting future… Auntie lala tak sabar nak jumpa!!! *hugs and kisses* for u even u’re not here yet!!! I’m so happy for Faizal & Liza, may Allah bless your life and marriage til the end… so happy… lalalalalalala

I’m going to learn to live without her. All i pray is she does well with what she chose to live with and travel wise to her unknown future. There are times i’m worried about how she would do. I’ve taken care of what i could for her and now i have to learn to take care of myself. i know for certain it will not be hard because i’ve got friends and family who cares, new friends who are constantly telling me that they’ll be there for me, old friends who are watching over me, and best friends who are available for me without a doubt, near or far.

I’ve started to hang out with new people, people who make me laugh, whom i feel like i’ve known my whole life. People will think i’m running away i suppose,that i can’t deal with the reality, but my heart– my heart seem to want happyness. And this happyness, i found her in another form. She’s someone i found in the midst of all confusion and anger. She’s someone that i know i can look up to, i can talk, i can hug, and cry. She’s someone who appreciates me even if its the smallest thing that i do, i’ve never felt so appreciated. She’s my happyness. She’s the key to my freedom and all that’s good within me.

I’ve sacrificed enough for someone i cared about, and now all i want is happyness, i want to learn to stand on my own, breathe on my own, i have to learn to take care of myself. I have to learn to know what to do with my free time. All i’ve done was kept myself busy with WORK, WORK and more WORK.

Now i’ve got her by my side and there’s nothing else i would ask.

… it was long overdue, and when it finally happened… we can breathe again…

we broke up (26 june 2008) i let her go (8 august 2008)

Love is patient, love is kind. It is not jealous, love is not pompous, it is not inflated, it is not rude, it does not seek its own interests, it is not quick-tempered, it does not brood over injury, it does not rejoice over wrongdoing but rejoices with the truth. It bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things…

Some things are not meant to happen. Like snow in Malaysia, faithful people with financial burdens, and people who can’t be more in love with each other but can’t stand to be in the same room. It went well for a while, then i got restless, all i wanted was for her to wish me goodnight so i could sleep well. And when she didn’t, i went crazy not knowing wat was up. Couldn’t she check the fon? Doesn’t she care about me anymore? does she even remember me? I knew it in my heart she couldn’t take it anymore, so she burst, she got upset saying that i didn’t give her space and all i wanted was for her to just love me and show it. At the time i needed her the most, she couldn’t understand me. I miss her, i’m upset. She’s leaving and i wasn’t enough anymore. She needed the whole world with her and most of all, i know it in my heart that its me that has a problem of letting her go. Ya Allah, i can’t take anymore burdens. They say You’ll keep testing Your humble servants as much as they want it. If they can carry it, You’ll keep testing… i dun want it anymore.. i give in.. just please let me live with happyness.. i just want to be Farah.. i just want to be happy…

Ku cuba redakan relung hati
Bayangmu yang berlalu pergi
Terlukis di dalam kenangan
Bebas bermain di hatiku

Cerita tentang masa lalu
Cerita tentang kau dan aku
Kini tinggal hanya kenangan
Kau abadi di dalam hatiku

Harusnya takkan ku biarkan engkau pergi
Membuat ku terpuruk rasa ingin mati
Derita yang mendera kapan akan berakhir
Hanya engkau yang mampu taklukkan hatiku

Cerita tentang masa lalu
Cerita tentang kau dan aku
Kini tinggal hanya kenangan
Kau abadi di dalam hatiku

Harusnya takkan ku biarkan kau pergi
Membuat ku terpuruk rasa ingin mati
Derita yang mendera kapan akan berakhir
Hanya engkau yang mampu taklukkan hatiku

Aku cinta ooohhhhhh
Aku cinta oooooooo
Aku cinta ooohhhhhh
Aku cinta oooooooo

Harusnya takkan ku biarkan engkau pergi
Membuat ku terpuruk rasa ingin mati
Derita yang mendera kapan akan berakhir
Hanya engkau yang mampu taklukkan hatiku

Aku cinta ooohhhhhh
Aku cinta oooooooo
Aku cinta ooohhhhhh
Aku cinta oooooooo

Hanya engkau yang mampu taklukkan hatiku ooooo

Why is it if you come from a broken home, u’ll always be stuck. unable to move forward, not even escape from its deepest pit let alone out of its aura. i have yet to gain the courage to be by myself, but when i wake up every morning i dun see the familiar face that i’ve yearn to touch and miss everyday. She’ll be gone someday and i’ll have to learn to live with it. I keep telling myself that and i know its not gonna be easy. After going thru so much with her these past years, i’m still not going to get my happyness. Its the only way for her to grow and live her life as an adult. Sacrifices must be made, if i’ve done it before, why is this going to be any different. I’ve sacrificed happyness to make someone else happy and this time will not be any different. for her sake, i hope we’re making the right choice. i didn’t expect our beginning would end like this, not after all we’ve been thru. dear god, i love her, and what choice do i have but to let go. i know its not the end, but knowing how i can be, i only can hope i’ve learnt enough to take initiative not to hurt others like i’ve done countless times. why is it that people have to leave when everything is falling into place. i’m sad, most of all, i’m broken into pieces that can’t be put together. Putting on these fake smiles just to assure that she’s doing the right thing for herself. i’m selfish for wanting to keep her longer with me. I have to let go, she’ll come back. although i know it will not be the same, i know its the right thing to do. i have to let her go, but she’ll always be in my heart.

i’ve finally done it! huurraaah for me! Truly..

but now i fear May will come sooner than expected. Teddy’s leaving, and she’ll break my heart.

I’ve finally had the courage to start praying again. This time i hope, my "iman" is stronger than before. I’m contented with how things are in my life, but i know some part of me will go on missing forever. Like these fingers of mine. The rings are gone. The one that i’ve had all my life is gone while the other one that abah gave me for Valentine’s Day went missing in Seremban when i gave someone a particular massage (Sharifah Sofiah!!! mana ko letak cincin aku wey!!!)

I woke up today at 3 am thinking of someone and it made me unhappy. It’s a new year, quit thinking oredi. I need to breathe again. It’s hard as it is to live with someone clueless of things that i am feeling. I miss Abah. I miss him so much, eventhough i just met him 2 days ago. I miss talking to him, i’ve realised that i miss him more now that i’m away and spent a week at home last week. Maybe this is why i’ve not attached myself with anyone enotionally, i can’t deal with the heartbreak of losing someone.

I woke up at 3am, and prayed. Didn’t know what i should be praying for but i knew i needed peace before i would explode. So i ended up solat istikharah, and my doubt was whether or not i should be doing what i’m doing. And i have no idea what i’m doing. HAHAHAHAHA…

I need to get out of this circle, its making me feel trapped, and suddenly i have no control of my life. I dun want any control. but i want to know where i’m heading, right now the only path i see is to the kitchen. I can’t help but wonder what she’s doing, aside from sleeping. Is she truly happy? Are you? Are u better without me or are u better when i am around? Am i significant to your life? Was i ever?

It’s 4:08 and all i can think of is her. I miss u. I miss talking to u the most, and i miss how u used to need me so much that u cudn’t let me go. But now i know its so easy to let go and ignore this feeling completely. I’m the only one feeling it. It’s sad really. I’m praying that one day i’d forget so that it wudn’t hurt so much.

Forgive me. I’m beginning to hate DiGi, no offense, its just personal. You’re everywhere!! You and your fat ass bald head, yellow man. I admit you’re cute but do u have to take over everything? I used to be a member of DiGi, but i made sacrifices. I even remember my old number 0163415968… i was with you for 5 years!! I was loyal then, but u didn’t become such a big deal until now.. I hate u DiGi.. u’re everywhere!!!