purple elephant

Enough! No more doing things for others, no more putting others before me, no more thinking about them.

Love myself.

Respect myself.

Me, Myself and I.

Only then others will love and respect me.

I need to learn that not everyone is the same. I need to re-adjust myself. Almost all my life the people I’ve been with tends to want me to constantly be around them and constantly communicating with them. But its different now, the person i’m with doesn’t want that. I used to be like her, I used to hate the fact that people always needed to know where I am, and if its possible they want me to be there with them. And I began adapting to it, but now I have to be a different person again, I have to not constantly ask their whereabouts, I have to stop choking them with “love”. I’m learning, but its not easy, people don’t change overnight. So I guess I have to try my best to do that. I have to be distant, I have to give them space. I have to do my own things, rather than constantly cater to them. So i’m gonna try getting there in one piece.

Its not easy but the only thing i can do is face it and keep going. I know when my other half is reading this, she’s gonna be worried and thinking all sorts of things. Its not easy for me to be settled and contented, but i am. I just feel like i haven’t reached my full potential. Where did it go wrong? I had everything in the palms of my hands, but it didn’t go the way i had hoped, not yet. The journey is still long and ongoing, but life is too short to make so many mistakes. I didn’t think any of my past romance experiences were mistakes, not any of them. I chose to be with them and even if they were just scandals, i loved every moment of it. It made me feel alive, it didn’t matter whether or not they scarred me for life or made me smile. What i did regret was hurting people i loved, whether or not they became my ex…

My partner asked if i loved any of my exs… and i thought it was strange to ask that. Of course i did, and now i care for them. I dun think anyone would go out with and become someone’s girl without loving the other half.

Then realise because of the love i had for them, i didn’t love myself enough to know what’s good for me. I chose love over career, i chose love over my own dream, and to tell u the truth, i dun think i know what my dream is anymore. Its sad when i think about that. I dun have a dream, maybe i did before, its just that now it seems like i don’t. I’m becoming someone normal, and boring. I dun think i like that, but i dunno where to begin living again…

so my best reaction is to whine over everything… over people… people i went to school with, people i used to help out in college and people i helped while i was working, and be so ungrateful for what i have instead… i shud be glad i’m happy now.. i should…

The Day Before You…

I had all but given up on finding
The one that I could fall into
On the day before you
I was ready settled for
Less than love and not much more
There was no such thing as a dream come true
Oh, but that was all the day before you

Now you’re here and everything changes
Suddenly life means so much
I can’t wait to wake up tomorrow
And find out this promise is true
I would never have to go back to
The day before you

In your eyes I see forever
Makes me wish that my life never knew
The day before you

The Heaven knows those years without you
Shaping my heart for the that day I found you
You’re the reason for all that I’ve been through
Then I’m thankful for the day before you

I’ve moved on, moving into a new place, and moved by how people still remembers me and cares enough to have breakfast, lunch or dinner with me… what else can i ask for? hugs from my hunny… ehehehe.. i’m glowing happily, too happy for my own sake….

planning for deco by farah with ajun’s advice of course.. ehehehe…

When u can do things urself, please just do it, cuz no one will do it for you.

When u can take care of urself, please do, cuz no one will want to.

When u want to fall in love, please please love yourself first before taking the big step, cuz you will never know when you can love yourself again.

When u are in love, please understand that you can never be selfish, you give yourself whole and hold nothing for yourself, you give without asking anything in return, you trust without a doubt in your mind, and most of all you believe only in the love that you created together.

look how tiny the baby is...

My best friend sent me a picture of his baby in his wife’s tummy, and he asked if its too soon cuz the baby’s moving cuz their baby’s moving and the doctor said it looks like the baby’s dancing… I’m so happy for them and when i saw the pic tears came into my eyes… can’t wait for you to be here baby!!!!

I didn’t think breaking up would even affect anyone, let alone her.. She’s been numb for as long as i remember… I’m glad to find out she has a heart and she finally understood the meanings of expressing herself without a care in the world, without feeling guilty… I’m happy that she finally understood me, and yes, I know she will never find anyone like me, cuz I’m me and no one else can be me but me..

I truly hope she will find it in her heart to forgive me someday, and find her own happyness. I found mine and that is enough, I will not barge into her life and care what she thinks anymore, not a care in the world, but of my own and my own happyness. I’m taking a wise sister’s advice.. let her be and live your life.. yes, I think that is the best… I’m going to live my life.

Kau bawa diriku
Kedalam hidupmu
Kau basuh diriku
Dengan rasa sayang
Senyummu juga sedihmu adalah hidupku
Kau sentuh cintaku dengan lembut
Dengan sejuta warna

i’ve neglected friends way too long that i keep forgetting that building a relationship is easy, doesn’t matter whether its friendship or even love, but what is sure that losing a friends is harder than building it. It’s not easy lose a friend, but i’ve lost so many, and i know that makes me a bad friend.

I was close to a numerous individuals, but i guess when u get caught up with work and life, u forget that there was once a friend that was there when u needed her/him, and there was a friend that stood by you no matter how tough things was going to get. I lost a few.. i didn’t keep in touch and in return, when i walked past her in the mall, she snubbed me.. or when they got pregnant and have babies, i was the last to know, and it wasn’t even from her, but through others, the ones that got married didn’t bother invite me… it hurt, but i have to live with it, its how i shaped my life and as numb as people think i am, i’m not… it hurts…

A friend called today and he told he was admitted in the hospital for 2 weeks, and i didn’t even visit him, i didn’t know cuz i didn’t bother calling him. It’s my fault, and as i heard him say, "saya sedih awk tak datang," i felt so hurt cuz all this while, i thought no one cared enough to include me in their life, when actually it’s been me that didn’t bother to ask how they are with theirs… He had a bad asthma attack and was in ICU for 2 weeks, TWO WEEKS.. and i didn’t even come to see how he is…

"People come and go, only you stayed, no not you, i meant me…" this statement… people come and go, but i was wrong, i didn’t just stay, i didn’t bother about why they left in the first place, i didn’t care enough… i just didn’t care…